Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Big Dreams & Little Hands

I became a mother quickly. I was so young when I had my first daughter; it came as a shock to be thrust into motherhood right on the heels of girlhood. I cannot ever say I regret it or wish it had been different. I am eternally grateful to have had her early, because she kept me grounded, helped me realize what it felt like to unconditionally love someone who is so deeply a part of you, and to motivate me to want better for myself in order to want better for her, as well. She was a miracle with perfect timing and purpose.

My second daughter was another miracle. Complications were supposed to have rendered her existence impossible. I am so glad that, even when we see no way, God makes a way when He chooses to do so. Out of a pain and loss too heavy and unimaginable for words, she was born to bring a love and light I cannot live without.

As I am watching them grow, now, into the young women they will become, I can’t describe the awed wonder and the painful love with which I look at them. It twists my heart and steals my breath each time I see them mature a bit more into the ladies of whom I am so proud.

Out of all the things in this world I would have shape and mold me, it is these: to be a fraction of the mother I had and to be a mother worthy of my children. There is a massive responsibility in helping to shape and mold their lives into the people, and perhaps mothers, they will become. It is through them, also, God has truly taught me the depth and patience of His love for me—for us.

I have not always said and done the things I wish I had. I’ve not always been the person I wish now I would have. But I have always and will ever love my children. To understand that God’s love for us is so much bigger than what I feel, even for my children, is almost incomprehensible. And it leaves me eternally and humbly grateful.

And, so, it is my wish that when I am old, I will look upon my daughters with joy, pride, and thankfulness to God for the women they’ve grown into. It’s my dearest wish for them to know, above all, I have loved them, but God has loved them more.

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