I like having a plan!
Spontaneity has never been a problem for me. I am more than willing to jump in the car for a last-minute ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAADDDDD TRIIIIIIIIIP!!! I will ride along with no particular destination in mind.
But when it comes to big things in life, I like to know what's coming. I make my little plans. I set my little time lines. I weigh out all my little decisions and ...
God keeps showing me, over and over, I only have an illusion of control. Of course, I believe we control our own destinies with the choices we make. However, I also believe God has a purpose for us. Sometimes, most times maybe, what we have in mind is not what He's intended. And so He let's us make our plans, set our time tables, lay out our lives- and then He says, "Now, let me show you what I'm going to do."
There was a time, not too long ago, the thought of letting go and letting it all be completely freaked me out. I had an innate need to feel like I was driving my life. I've come to realize that's all it ever was: a feeling.
Liberation is intoxicating, and there is a definite freedom in allowing life to simply BE, sometimes.
Granted, I still like lists. I still over-analyze. I think it's part of my charm (ha!! I'll work on my self-delusion, next).
But, I get it now. Let life come. The getting there is beautiful in and of itself. The blueprints we lay out for ourselves often have to be scratched and gutted halfway through. Life is a series of instances where we throw away all our intentions somewhere in the middle and start all over.
They often go awry, these best-laid plans of mice & men & me.
I'm learning to appreciate it.